The Avengers Get Crazy
by thehighfunctioningpsychopath
Summary: Just your average Avengers Crack!Fic. I have no idea where I'm going with this story, I only hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
1. Chapter 1

The Avengers Get Crazy

**Ch 1**

We find our young heroes in a strip club. Not just any strip club, but a superhero strip club. Wonder Woman was just putting it out there for everyone to see. It was hot. If you were into MILFs. But She-Hulk was not looking good in that G-string. No one wanted to tap that ass, not even Bruce Banner. The entire team was enjoying themselves, except for Captain America.

"Guys, we really shouldn't be objectifying women like this", he said

"Loosen up Cap, this is just good old fashioned American fun! Just like pie. Or baseball. Oh god, what about a stripper in a baseball uniform eating pie!" yelled Tony Stark. He was always chock full of good ideas. He pulled out his tape recorder and whispered "Call Betty Crocker. Pie strippers. No, wait, Betty COCKER" My god, he was good.

Captain got up and angrily stormed out of the strip club. In his day, people wouldn't have done this! No, in his day, strippers were people! Sure, sometimes you had to smack one around and most of them were already dead inside. But they were almost people, damn it! He walked past Fury, who was getting a private dance from Spiderman. It was his famous web dance, and there was white stuff everywhere. Fury got one weekly. That was how he lost his eye. One day, you're getting a sexy lap dance from a scantily clad spider and then next you're getting money shot right in your eye

He also walked by Hawkeye and Black Widow, only overhearing Black Widow say "I AM GOING TO DESTROY DAT ASS" Cap would destroy dat ass too. No homo. Or maybe homo. After all, he did where a skin tight spandex suit. He told people it was easier to move in, but he really just liked the way it felt on his body. And by body, he meant skin. And by skin, he meant his balls.

Slamming the door of club, he turned around and gasped. It was…Dumblydore!


	2. Chapter 2

Ch. 2

No, it wasn't really Dumbledore. But for those of you who got the My Immortal reference, hats off to you. Actually, it was…Thor!

"Gee willakers Thor, what in the name of Hitler's moustache are you doing here?, said Captain America

"Ah, Captain of the country, it is a great pleasure to see you again! I am here because my brother has escaped Asgard! He has decided that he shall rule all of earth by taking over the body of Lady Gaga"

"Well, I don't know who this 'Lady Gaga' is, but I can tell you, The Avengers will be SURE TO STOP HIM!", shouted Captain America, raising his fist in the air, and staying in that position.

Thor waited for a minute. "Mortal?" he said, poking Captain in the eye. "Odin's beard, his eye is wet!"

Captain America returned to his normal position and said, "Before we go tell the others, I just have to ask, how did he escape?"

Thor looked embarrassed. "Well, he went to see his horse, Sleipnir, for a conjugal visit, who is actually his son, and I did not want to see them do the sexual intercourse, so I left, and when I came back, they were both gone.

"Okay, hold onto that thought, because later, I'm going to explain to you everything that's wrong with that."

Captain America and Thor went back into the strip club to gather the other team members. Thor looked pleased as he walked through.

"Ah, these mortal women are so beautiful! What I would give to stick Mjoelnir in their baby holes! Any of these ladies would be fit for me to form a baby with! You, human, would you like me to put an Asgardian prince in you? And by Asgardian prince, I mean my penis."

The manager of the club walked up to Thor and said, "You're packing quite the giant giblets in that suit! Have you ever thought of whipping out a leather banana hammock to make some money?"

"What is this hammock of the bananas? I want one!", shouted Thor. "And I would like to dance for this Midgardian money! That way I can buy all of the churros I require! Have you ever had a churro? They are delicious!"

Thor jumped up on the stage and ripped of his entire suit. Somehow it came off it one smooth motion, and *gasp* he was wearing a leopard print thong. Thor proceeded to violate the poles and customers in every way known to man, Asgardian, and Frost Giant, all while screaming his version of the song 'Sexyback'. It was pretty gross. And gay. Did I mention it was gross?

"I AM BRINGING SEXUAL ATTRACTIVENESS BACK! THOSE OTHER MIDGARDIAN MALES DO NOT COMPREHEND THE APPROPRIATE WAY TO ACT! YOU THINK YOU ARE AS SPECIAL AS AND ASGARDIAN PRINCE, WHAT IS THAT BEHIND YOUR BOTTOM? PLEASE TURN AROUND AND I SHALL TO THE WORK YOU REQUIRE FOR YOU!"

"I don't think he gets music." Tony said as he came hobbling over. When he noticed the questioning expression of Captain America, he simply said "This girl tried to do this move called the 'Twilight'. Apparently it's all the rage now to try and bite someone's penis off while they throw glitter at you and then a really harry dude tries to take her from behind. Don't get me wrong, it was great, but I just had my penis sown back on."

Bruce Banner, hearing the entire conversation, ran over and yelled "What's the capital of Thailand?"

Without waiting for an answer, he shout "Bangkok!", punched Tony in the dick, and then ran off.

"You son of a whore, I will cut off your Hulk penis and then fuck you in the ass with it while you're Banner!"

What will happen to our brave heroes next? Will Banner be violated by his own penis? Will Thor make enough money to buy a churro cart? And where the fuck are Hawkeye and Black Widow? Stay tuned!


	3. Chapter 3

Ch. 3

Hearing Tony's yelps of pain, (though mostly it was his threat to call Wolverine and have him finger fuck Banner), Hawkeye and Black Widow came to join them.

"What is up mah, bitches!" yelled a drunken Hawkeye, slopping his beer down his front.

Thor laughed. "The Midgardian cannot hold his alcohol!", proceeding to laugh some more, his entire body shaking. We all know that this won't end well.

"Holy fuck, your man tonsils just popped out! Jesus, is that a penis or are you actually a tri-pod" yelled Tony, trying to shield his eyes from Thor's sweaty balls.

"Where I come from, it is an honor to view the genitalia of an Asgardian prince!" said Thor

Hawkeye laughed. "Hahahaha…balls…like testicles...or tentacles…hey, wouldn't it be funny if instead of tentacles, octopi had testicles? Hey, waaaaaaaaaaaaitooooooooooooor! I'd like an appletini, light on the 'apple', heavy on the 'tini'!"

"Oh god-"

"Yeeeeeeeees?", asked Thor, smirking

"Shut the fuck up Thor. Who. The hell. Cares.", yelled Natasha

Tony turned to Bruce, who had sidled back up. "I believe the young lady's uterus is refreshing itself."

Natasha launched herself at Tony, pulling of Thor's thong and shoving it in Tony's mouth.

"Choke on it bitch! Eat it! Yeah, choke on it like you'd choke on my monster penis. I'll slap you with it! I will put peanut butter on my metaphorical dick and make you a penis butter and bitch slap sandwich! Do you understand me?"

Thor had begun crying. After all, he was the sensitive one. "Leave him alone! Leave Tony alone!" he yelled, covering his face with his hair. "I have to hide in my hair, it won't be mean to my friends. Isn't that right, hair? I love you. I wish I could make a baby with you, hair. So pretty…so pretty…so pretty…"

"Right…", said Bruce, "So all in favour of leaving Th'oreal and running away, say 'I'"

"I", chimed everyone

Tony stood up, and pulled Thor's thong out of his mouth. "Tastes like…churro"

"That's gay, bro…you gay-bo", slurred Hawkeye

Thor was still writhing on the ground, crying for his beautiful golden locks. Like a boss. Or bouse, if you're Rick Ross. But that really holds no relevance.

"Where's Fury?", asked Captain America

"He left a little bit ago, he went home with Spiderman" , said Bruce

"Oh, you mean Spider-girl?"

"No. No, I don't"

"You know, in my day-"started Captain America

"Yes, in your day, there were none of these 'queer-o-sexuals' or whatever the hell you call them" said Tony

Hawkeye started laughing. "At least…at least he didn't come into the club asking where the 'white section' was. They kicked us out of Sex World when he said that."

"..the hell is Sex World" asked Natasha.

Tony moved to cover Hawkeye's mouth, but only succeeded in tripping over Thor and catching a face full of Captain America's ass. You've got to admit, it was a sweet ass. Not as great as Hawkeye's though. That was how Loki had been defeated. Too busy staring at Clint's ass. But I digress.

"Sex World is this great theme park, where you can fly a penis person", said Clint

"What's a penis person?", asked Natasha

"It's that thing, of when, you get a midget, and you paint him entirely gold, and then you glue two baseballs to his ass, and ride him around while he spits alfredo sauce out of his mouth", said Hawkeye

Natasha's head spun completely around. No, really, it did. They ran to the hospital to get it fixed, as soon as they did, they returned to their positions at the strip club.

"Okay, now that we've got Natasha's head spun back around, let's ditch Thor", said Tony

"Cool! Wonder Twin powers, activate!"

Wait, that's not right.

The team high-fived and jumped out of the window. Bruce got a piece of glass stuck in his neck, but don't worry, guys, he hulked out, pulled the glass out of his jugular, and made it his bitch.

Captain 'Murica gathered the team around him. "First thing we have to do is go find Fury. Does anyone have any idea where he might be?"

"Snorting coke off of some dude's crack?" said Tony

"…"

"…"

"What?"

"With the what now?

"Well, if he's snorting coke off of some guy's crack, he'd probably be doing it in one of these allies, so we should get looking. It won't be long until Loki takes over Lady Gaga"

A/N – It would mean a lot if you guys would review this for me! I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors, I don't have a beta, and I already noticed a few. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!


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